Sunday, April 20, 2014

A Project From The Heart

Disclaimer: This post contains the sensitive topic of miscarriage and loss. It is not a topic I usually include on this blog, but I want to tell my story and explain the beauty behind this project.  I do not sensor much of the story in this post, though I have decided to only include pictures of the project and not pictures of my baby.  Thank you for reading.


We had just finished celebrating Christmas with loved ones. Our son opened plenty of presents, I enjoyed as much food as my pregnant belly could handle.  Little did we know that not all was well with the baby. A few days later, we went to a regular doctors appointment only to be told she couldn't find the heartbeat. An ultrasound confirmed that our baby had indeed passed.  I was 16 weeks along and decided to deliver our baby, hold him, and bury him in our home town. At 11 pm on December 31st, we were admitted to the labor and delivery floor at the hospital. At midnight, when everyone was celebrating, we were waiting. We watched the ball drop on tv from our hospital bed. We watched fireworks out our room's window. Being torn between the joy of a new year and the despair of such a loss. Thinking of all the newness the new year would bring and all the memories we would never create. At 11:11 the following morning we said hello and goodbye to a 1.1 ounce baby boy. We named him Gabriel Russell in honor of my great great grandpa Russell G.  This is truly one of the hardest things my husband and I have ever done. 

For the last three years, we have only decorated his grave site with wreaths, flowers and other lawn decorations with the intention of putting a permanent marker out there at some point. Nothing ever seemed good enough. A stone is so cold and lonely. A wreath is so bare. I decided I wanted a bench out there. A little bench. One fit for a little boy to sit on.  I dreamt up the design, my husband made it a reality.  I stained it, created stencils, and sealed it. An unfortunate reason to have to team up with my husband to create something, but this is the most beautiful thing we have ever created (except of course our two other children).

I wanted to write this blog to tell my story. To let others know that they are not alone. This subject can be so taboo and unspoken. Even though I knew I was not alone, the topic of Gabriel is always so awkward and I felt I couldn't talk about him openly. I've changed my outlook on that. Gabriel is my son and I talk about him as if I've spent the last three years with him, not a mere 3 hours. I also wanted to share the story behind the symbols on our bench and show off the beautiful work my husband did.

 Snowflake flourish (on both ends of the bench): Gabriel was our winter baby. Also, you know the glittery snow? The snow that catches the light in such a way that it looks like silver glitter is falling from the sky? I call that Gabriel snow. I always seem to see it when I've been thinking about him a lot. It's like he's saying hello, I'm still here and I love you.

We will see you again (on back of bench): We do believe we will see Gabriel again. Carrie Underwood's song hit me hard one day. Since then, I can't listen to the song without thinking of our baby. 

 A moment in our arms. A lifetime in our hearts (front of bench): I think this one's pretty self explanatory. We only held Gabriel for a few hours, but he will be forever a part of us.
Top of Bench

These images are on the legs of the bench. I'm not sure why I chose birds to represent Gabriel. But I always do. Sometimes I choose Christmas cards and other things we are sending as a family, that have birds on them so I can sign Gabriel's name without really signing his name. Now you know family :) The little boy and his dog represent Gabriel and my husband's dog. We've always said that the DreamWorks logo (boy fishing on the moon) reminds us of my grandpa and Gabriel.  I thought the DreamWorks logo would be kind of cheesy and thought this one was just perfect. And the boy on the tractor represents our family's love of tractors.
 
The story is not all sad. I have one beautiful little boy who is almost 5 (Brock) and a 2 year old girl (Emma Eve, named for my great great grandma Evelyn G. Wife of Russell). Emma was due January 2nd, 2012 (Gabriel 1.1.11, Emma 1.2.12) which was a sign to me that everything was going to be okay. Of course Emma was fashionably late and came on January 8th. I see a lot of signs in things. Signs that things are okay. Signs from Gabriel and God that they're there for us. Emma being born on January 8th was no different. Because the year before, January 8th, 2011, was the day we buried our sweet Gabriel.
 

"Every little thing is going to be alright"

 

14 comments:

  1. I'm so very sorry for your loss, but you have created such a lovely tribute to your son! <3

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    1. Thank you. Thanks for taking the time to read my story.

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  2. Brook, I'm very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy, Gabriel. {{{HUGS}}} Thank you for sharing your story, I know it was probably difficult for you. The bench is wonderful and I appreciate how you explained the various symbols and the meaning of them.

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    1. Thank you for reading. The story is not easy to share, but I think there is a time and place to write it. And I'll never know who it touches that may have needed to read it.

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  3. My heart breaks to read the story of losing Gabriel, but I loved hearing how you put so much thought, love, and care into creating a truly honoring memorial for him with this bench. Thank you for sharing your story with us, hard though it may have been; I know it will be encouragement to those who may be going through similar things. Hugs coming your way!

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    1. Thank you so much Lauren. I know there must be a reason that my heart felt the story needed to be told now. It's been a very private story but something told me I needed to finish this bench and get my story out there. Someone needs to read it and I may never know who that someone is, but I'm happy to share.

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  4. Thanks so much for sharing! I too lost my baby at 19 weeks and had to be induced and deliver my baby. I remained pregnant a week before I was to be induced and deliver. Originally my Dr wanted me to hold the baby for closure, but after I delivered he decided it wasn't a good idea. I was told the whole time it was a girl. I have two boys, so I was so excited every time I had an ultrasound and was told it was a girl. I didn't get to hold her, we didn't have a funeral because she was going to have an autopsy. Long story short.....I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you mad this for your baby boy! I just have a little box with a hat and comb. Thanks so much for sharing. You are right, it's something no one talks about...Happy Easter my friend.

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    1. I'm so sorry your experience wasn't a peaceful one. You will see her again, she is waiting :) Happy Easter to you too.

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  5. To all who read this tribute to Gabriel a sweet child of god sent for such a short time to the Warren Family. The way you have chosen to honor his life is truly beautiful. I was blessed at 20 weeks I was in labor with my first child. I suffered from the medication. And nearly died. At just shy by 5 days of 49 weeks I delivered a healthy baby boy. I was not told until then that a friend had also started pre-term labor and the child she gave birth to at 20 weeks.celcebratex his buerh & his eternal life on the same day. I gave three syblings that I shall meet in heaven some day. Gid bless your familyfor tthe strength and courage you had to celebrate Gabriel. May God Bless you all. Karen Marie

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words Karen. God bless you as well.

      And to anyone who reads through the comments. I sometimes struggle with the right words to say. I talk about Gabriel a lot, but not many talk back. So I'm never sure of the right way to thank someone. But I truly appreciate all the love and the sharing of your stories as well.

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  6. Tears roll down my face as I read your story... Your bench turned out just beautiful... "little... fit for a little boy to sit on". Just perfect like your baby. I know your story will help someone who needs to read this at the exact right moment.

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    1. Thank you for taking time to read it. It was easy to write emotionally because I felt a need to write it, hard to write without evoking tears from others. I tried not to make it too sad, but real.

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  7. I really don't know what to say, because I have never been through an experience like this. But I think the bench you and your husband created is an amazing, beautiful tribute to your son, and I love all of the thought, symbolism and love you put into it.

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    1. Thank you! It's okay not to know what to say. I have gone through this and I still don't know what to say sometimes.

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