Every October I add a little blue to the sea of pink. You see, October isn't just Breast Cancer Awareness Month, it's also Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Remembrance/Awareness Month (PAIL).
And during the month of October, I change my profile picture and I speak up as much as possible about it. It's such a taboo subject and not many people want to talk about it. That's okay. I understand. You don't have to say anything to me to make me feel better, but don't be afraid to recognize it.
Nearly 4 years ago, I lost a son. I had a late term miscarriage and it was devastating. I wasn't sure what was going to happen with my life. I had a lot to live for, I didn't go that far down. I had my amazing son and my husband, my best friend and my family, all of who supported me. But I went through an internal battle with myself. If I had another child, am I just replacing the one I lost? How can I ever get through another pregnancy without fear that history would repeat? Is there any way I could possibly love the next child knowing I lost the one before? The answers, for me anyway, were no, support from the above mentioned people, yes.
You see, when people tell me they are sorry for my loss and feel sad for me, I don't want them to be. It's actually okay. Of course I'm sad that my baby boy is not with me. But I'm not sorry it happened. A lot of times it's hard to explain. I lost my baby for a reason. Whatever reason he had to spend 16 short weeks on this earth is unknown to me but I'm sure it was a great one. And I am honored to have been chosen to see his mission through.
We only wanted 2 children. I'll never know Gabriel. I'll never watch him grow, hear his sleepy I love yous as I tuck him into bed, give him medicine when he is sick, and all the other things that come with being a mom. Gabriel wasn't meant to spend his days on earth with me that way. Sometimes I'd give anything to have him back, but knowing that he had a different purpose gives me comfort. If I had never lost Gabriel, I'd have never had Emma. She brings a special light to my life. She is the most amazing child I have ever known. I'm so grateful to be her mommy.
So when you feel sorry for me, just remember, I'm okay. I'm at peace. I was only meant to know Gabriel for a short time. Raising my sweet first born and this little miss was my true meaning.